I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
