We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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