he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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