I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
After last night, I could never be a politician.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
