you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Randomize