Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
