I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
