Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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