i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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