i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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