It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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