Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize