just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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