So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
