we have officially lost it.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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