I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
