I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
