dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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