Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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