i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
