I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
