if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
