I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
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