Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize