Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Blood and glitter go together right?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
