Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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