What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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