9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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