Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize