Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I enjoy the company of your penis
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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