Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
