I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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