you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
