I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
