i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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