First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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