Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize