um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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