Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
