its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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