Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
