if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
