I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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