Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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