just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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