What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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