I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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