we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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