I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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