God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
