We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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