if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
