She's like a pop up book from hell.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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