I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
