I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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