My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm like, not good at living.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
